Monkeys Put Hit on Deputy Mayor

Marking a significant shift in Monkey-Gang violence, the Deputy Mayor of Delhi, India, was the object of a “mob-style” hit by Rhesus Macaque monkeys on Sunday, October 21. S. S. Bajwa, the Deputy Mayor, was relaxing in his home on his balcony when the alleged hit took place. After ‘roughing him up’ for a period of time, neighbors report that a large group of Rhesus Macaques then tossed him off of his balcony, and he later died of head injuries.

Suspected Gang Leader Burning Rival Gang-Leader's House

Monkey-on-Man violence has recently been a growing concern among officials in the Indian Government. The most violent perpetrators of these attacks have been the notorious Rhesus Macaque gang in Delhi. Having started in small time crimes such as black-market fruit trading, the Macaques (known on the streets as the RM) have escalated their illegal activities to include protection rackets, illegal drug distribution, and, some now speculate, strong-arming city officials and the police to turn a blind eye to their ever increasing profits and crimes.

Officials in Delhi have refused our requests for an interview, stating, as one official put it: “By the many arms of Vishnu the Destroyer, it is 4:30 in the morning! Why are you bothering me? Leave me alone!” Never a news-source to be so easily put off, several weeks ago Sciolist Salmagundi sent our traveling reporter, Willie “Blinders” Fuggetit, to infiltrate the RM gang and report back on the activities in India and the rising level of monkey violence there. SS has this exclusive coverage based on a series of transcripts sent to us through his hotmail account.

"Blinders" in Better Days

WEEK 1: This is Willie Fuggetit coming to you from the nation of India, where I have been sent to infiltrate what is, perhaps, the most dangerous gang in the animal world, the legendary Rhesus Macaque gang. Getting a gang like this to trust you and take you in is a very dangerous and time consuming job, and my chances are not good. The chief concern is not so much the language, but my size. Most Rhesus Monkeys are about two feet long and weigh about 15 pounds, where I am 6 foot 1 and weigh about 350 lbs. To overcome this, I have modified a gorilla suit by spray-painting it brown and I borrowed a girdle from Aunt Mamie. The suit is hot and scratchy, sweat continually pours into me eyes and I cannot breathe with this girdle on my waist. News will not wait, however, so I am determined to get to work!

WEEK 2: I arrived safely in Delhi two days ago. I have been trying to merge with the Macaque culture, but I have encountered a few difficulties. My first difficulty was not the monkeys, but the fact that nobody will rent me a room when I am in my undercover clothing. It appears that Macaques are regularly discriminated against, and it was only after I pulled the gorilla mask off that the clerk at the counter would talk to me. Even at that, the clerk looked at me suspiciously and said something derogatory when I ordered 10 pounds of bananas supper. Also, it seems that Macaques are a very hard group to get to know intimately. I have gone to their ‘hang-outs,’ which the locals call ‘temples,’ and have tried to act the part of a Rhesus Macaque. My first attempt was a total disaster. Firstly, the Macaques would have nothing to do with me after they ate my bananas, and then, after I fell off of a wall that they are fond of climbing, the local Constabulary placed me in irons and took off my mask. I tried to explain my position as an undercover operative; however, the Chief of Police regarded me as an ‘insane American’ and would not talk to me. My cover is now blown at the local hang-out.

On the Lookout for Gang Members

WEEK 7: I am finally out of jail, and I am free to continue my pursuit of the Macaque gang. This involved some hefty bribes and a seriously embarrassing conversation at the American Consulate, but a real reporter never gives up! More than that, I have finally made progress! Moving my base of operations out to the fringes of the city, where I had not made such a sensation, I have been able to steal just enough fruit from the Monkeys that I will not starve. That being said, I have lost a lot of weight sweating it out in this suit. The suit is not looking all that good either, as the rain has washed part of the spray paint off, and it is beginning to smell like Sal after one of his three week ‘benders.’ Not only that, but the water and fruit diet I have been on has given me the runs, and the zipper to this suit is in the back. Nevertheless, the Macaques and the locals seem to have finally accepted me as part of the background, and I have been able to get closer and closer to the monkeys. The local children have quit hitting me with rocks and sticks.

WEEK 8: I have lost three teeth. This is a result of my diet and the fact that I just cannot climb like these Macaques can. I am closer all the time to understanding how this gang works. I have befriended a large male Macaque who seems to have important ties to the underground operations. I call him “Mac,” but he must have a gang name that he has not given to me yet. Their hand signals are confusing, as there does not seem to be any one gang-sign that they flash. I try and imitate them, but they do not respond. I met Mac when the local Constables caught up with me again. Shrieking and flinging feces at them, I followed a large group of macaques up onto a tall structure, where I first met the gang-leader, Mac and we shared a mango. I say share, but of course I had simply grabbed the fruit in the manner of the Macaques and I learned that they have a simply ghastly set of teeth with sharp canines. This looks promising!

WEEK 9: I think the local police believe that I am one of the inner gang now. They haunt me continuously and are always trying to ‘talk me down,’ but I do not want to blow this cover. It is just too hard to get a cover started. I have taken to living with the monkeys continuously, and am a part of their family now. I still have heard no talk of deliberate criminal activities, although petty theft seems to come naturally with them. I spent the entire day, yesterday, trying to get back my lap-top computer, which is my last link to the US. I am going to have to sneak down tomorrow and see if I can find a place to re-charge the battery. I believe that I am close to cracking the inner working of this gang, if I do not starve to death first.

This was the last communiqué that we ever received from Willie. Checking the basement of his mother’s house, we learned that he had not evidently returned from India. His X-Box was covered in dust and the bag of Cheetos we found there was stale and unfinished. Sal and I agree that Willie may have needed more financial backing for a trip like this. His mother spent the whole time screaming obscenities at us and taking the occasional swipe at us with her Jack Daniel’s bottle, so we were obliged to leave. Her friendly jibe that she “would find out where we lived and burn down our god-damned house” left us feeling that we owe Willie something.

Willie! If you can read this, contact Sciolist!