Hot Seat

Toilets in Japan must be something to see. According to the Associated Press, they have reached a level of complexity that if they malfunction, they can literally burn your ass off:

Japan's leading toilet maker Toto Ltd. is offering free repairs for 180,000 bidet toilets after wiring problems caused several to catch fire, the company said Monday.

A toilet that catches fire because of wiring is a marvel to me.

Like my new bathroom?

Looking at my toilet, I notice that it is made of ceramic, and it is powered by gravity and water. You could not cause this toilet to catch fire with anything less than a flame thrower, or, I guess, the last batch of Chili I made, according to my wife. There is no place to plug this toilet in, even if electricity could DO anything. Water, electricity, fire and my ass just simply does not sound like a combination that I want to risk:

"Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries," Tanaka said. "The fire would have been just under your buttocks."

So what is it that this toilet can do that makes it worth the risk of sitting on a seat that could spontaneously combust?

Toto has been a pioneer in high-tech toilets fitted with pressurized water sprayers — a standard fixture in Japanese homes.

The popular Z series features a pulsating massage spray, a power dryer, built-in-the-bowl deodorizing filter, the "Tornado Wash" flush and a lid that opens and closes automatically. Prices range from $1,680 to $2,600.

Is toilet paper so hard to come by in Japan that everyone has to have a fire-hose pointed at their butt when they sit on the throne? I can, naturally, understand the advantage of a deodorizer and the “Tornado Wash” flush. I suppose that I can even understand the advantage of a lid that opens and closes automatically, as long as it opens pretty quickly and closes slowly.  (I can only speculate why a “pulsating massage spray” would be popular. Then again, maybe I don’t want to.) What I cannot understand is the willingness to pay up to $2,600 for a single toilet. Even if it can do calculus, speak in 8 different languages, baby-sit my kids and blast me with a pressurized, pulsating massage spray, there is no way I am going to lay that kind of jack down for a toilet.

It can double as a shower?