Dictator wanted - apply within

I'll make no attempt to come across as a typical American when it comes to political issues. Be fully aware that I believe that ultimately the only form of government that has any chance of supplying the kind of leadership and clarity of vision that this country and it's citizens deserve is that of an absolute dictatorship. The only man suited to take on this role of course is a forward thinking man of conviction and a keen understanding of the needs and motivations of his fellow man. Now most Americans aren't visionary enough to grasp the inevitable truth, so while my robot army is under construction I am forced to work within the current less optimal system of rule and I've had a few thoughts on the current race for the presidency.

The place to start would seem to be with the system itself. Ah, the two party system. Now this I get. Such a brilliant system, dividing all issues into only two possible positions (if you can call being against what ever the other group says as an actual position in itself). This over simplification of every issue creates a reactionary environment that successfully keeps the plebes in line, rallying in rabid throngs of parroting halfwits. These aping simpletons see themselves as involved, informed and engaged while their actual choices and freedoms are taken away. Nothing rallies the troops like a common enemy.

Now, let's run through the candidates. We'll start with the democrats and make this a two part post.

Hillary Clinton; what's not to love about this little fire plug. She's got the moxie it takes to speak in empty circling logic that conveys warmth, caring and just a pinch of used car salesman smarminess, while not actually committing to anything whatsoever. While heavy on the political graft just like hubby Bill, Hillary lacks that same "I'm gonna fuck you and we're both gonna enjoy it" warmth that the polyorchid Clinton possessed. Instead Hillary seems to be more of the "You've got a purdy mouth" style to her political sodomizing. Make no mistake about it, this Clinton gets into the white house and we're all gonna be sore for a good long while. You have to kind of respect that.

John Edwards; who doesn't like Johnny? I mean, the hair, how can you not love that hair. All the great dictators had great hair... Stalin, inspired a generation of pompadours but he had nothing on Johnny. Hitler, a perfectly architectural masterpiece, but little more than a nappy headed Austrian compared to the tar heal lawyer. Kim il Sung and his creatively follicled son, inspirations for madmen everywhere, but best they were shaved bald as to stand them next to our favorite trial lawyer. Shame he's so fucking stupid.

Barack Obama; more than a bit of an enigma in this campaign Mr. Obama is a hard one to pin down. Of course that might have something to do with his complete lack of a position on anything, or his lack of decisiveness on who he even wants to have support him. Between the gay vote and the black vote our lil Barack will soon implode in the same sort of suddenness that his campaign was born from. Thankfully his lack of substance should make that implosion mostly harmless.

Joe Biden; not a lot to say here but since I spoke of the importance of hair with Edwards it seems important to bring up ole hairless Joe. Seems Joe has aspirations of being a dictator but sadly not the genetics. Biden has more plugs than a Compaq computer and he's nearly as reliable. You can't expect to rule with an iron fist when you've got hair follicles from a cadaver planted like rows of corn in your head. Who's gonna take that seriously. No worries over Joe though, once this campaign is over I expect him to have a long career in Apollo hair club commercials.

Dennis Kucinich; Yesterday I would of put him in 'the others' category but with the recent revelation that his friend Shirley MacClain (that statement alone is enough to vault you into the 'nut job hall of fame') revealed Denny's experience in sighting a UFO. When questioned about this Mr. 'soon to be committed' Kucinich rebutted with the tried and true 'but everybody sees em' defense. So today I must seriously consider this obvious mad man as real contender.

The others; Bill Richardson, Chris Dodd & Mike Gravel, hardly worth the time it takes to mention. Gravel does have some good henchmen qualifications and Richardson could certainly be pressed into service as a generic toadie but Dodd, well there is an old saying about tits on a boar hog.... Dodd is that hog's nipple ring.

As you can see there is no true front runner in this race. However, for my money on sheer evilness alone Hillary is a real standout in this field. Barack's sudden indecision takes him out of contention for the VP slot on that ticket and Edward has 'leader hair' that will never fly for a number two. I'm going to have to go with a Bill Richardson ticket mate on this one. The one two punch of the Queen of Graft and the Special Olympics style goofiness of Richardson could be a real crowd pleaser in '08.

Next time we'll step through the exciting world of Republican politics and see what the GOP has on deck, and just how much closer we can get to that ultimate goal of the (mostly) benevolent dictatorship I know we're all dreaming of. Until then.