Blogs

I have been putting my resume together for a new job I saw advertised on the internet.

Actually my sister-in-law pointed it out to me. I was happy to see it.

The qualifications are way beyond what I have actually done, but that is not the purpose of a resume. The purpose of a resume is to eradicate the past through rose-colored glasses.

So I set myself to writing a resume.

Address:
Phelonius Blatherskite
Go down Whatford street to the big tree
sneak into the backyard area
throw a rock at the barrel say the password, (but not loud, my father-in-law still does not know we are here)
Phone:
what?

Position desired:
Owner. Ruler of Whatford Street, Loan Shark and Supreme Court Justice

The reasons I want the job are:
money, cash, jack, stash and bills.

My qualifications:
well, I am me, dammit. Who would not want to work with me?

Yeah, apparently if what I learned this weekend is true, I as a white male have a genetic need to rape a black woman. This is because my melanin deficient and physically inferior genes cry out for improvement to my seed. The overpowering need to fortify my inferior genetic make up with the superior traits of the black woman drives me and all white men to force ourselves these chocolate earth mothers. This trait was no more clearly seen than in the systemic rape of slave women in the antebellum south.

Furthermore, it seems that not only is my genetic makeup found lacking, I (and I say "I" as the collective of all white men) am apparently an inferior lover. This inability to please my women resulted in driving them into the strapping arms of the closest available ebony lover. Wide reports of the rape of white women at the hands(?) of black men in the years following the civil war were apparently not as they were presented. Instead of these incidences being as reported they were in fact simple alibis to cover the needs of white women. They longed for the touch of a real lover, one that a white man could never supply and were thrown by their needs into the arms of Mandingo.

With the recent passing of Gene Scott it seemed important to take the opportunity to report on who isn't dead. Who better to feature for this announcement than the man himself, Abe Vigoda. Not only is Abe very much alive, today is his birthday. Abe turned 84 today and currently lives in Manhattan. For up to date Vigoda condition reports check out abevigoda.com or if your a firefox user, get the FF extension and have up to the minute information on the status of your favorite actor.

Other people of note that are surprisingly NOT dead are....

Eddie Albert (96)

Lady Bird Johnson (92)

Mickey Spillane (87)

and....

The Pope (84)

*note - we are not responsible for sudden changes to the status of any of those listed above.

Dr. Gene Scott, master of late night religious programing fell dead from a stroke on Monday.

If you've ever had the pleasure to catch the "Festival of Faith" late at night, preferably while drinking heavily you'll know the true greatness of the man. I doubt we shall ever see his like again. To learn more about the good doctor, visit his website here and remember... kill a pissant for Jesus.

Pentagon reveals rejected chemical weapons

• 15 January 2005
• From New Scientist Print Edition.

THE Pentagon considered developing a host of non-lethal chemical weapons that would disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops, newly declassified documents reveal.

Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale, the proposal says.

"Long hair hampers brain activity"

Dear Leader says long hair "hampers brain activity by taking oxygen away from nerves in the head" and North Koreans must "Trim Our Hair According to Socialist Lifestyle"

Yes the great and powerful Oz has spoken and in his infinite wisdom has figured out the root of the problems with the North Korean state. It seems too many of the prolatariat are elbow deep in dippity-doo, managing their impressive coiffures and not working as they should for the glorious state.

One really can't fault the logic of the Dear Leader. The human head has between 100,000 and 150,000 hair follicles. At a density of nearly 1000 follicles per square inch this must put a massive strain on the small vessels supplying oxygen to the area. A drop in oxygen to the brain must be the result. To support the Dear Leader, I offer the following...

Clearly a moron. Let's hope the North Koreans are never subjected to his ilk.

Sal

Touchy Feely Cockfighting

So, we are down to this. It's not enough that we are so divorced from our own food chain that people seem to think that the natural habitat of meat is cellophane and foam trays, now were slapping boxing gloves on chickens.

Oklahoma was one of the last states to allow cockfighting. That law changed in 2002, making it a felony punishable up to 10 years in prison. (the average rapist serves 5 years in prison; the average lifespan of a chicken is 7 years) Since then the pro-cock fighting crowd has tried to get the law over turned or the punishment reduced to a more logical level. No dice. So now, they are trying to find an acceptable form of their “sport”.