Sal's blog

CHESAPEAKE, Va. -- A Mormon missionary going door to door was fatally shot Monday night and a fellow missionary was wounded by an assailant who fled, police said…

Talk about taking one for the team. You gotta know this was coming. Who hasn’t hidden from a Mormon or two in their time? Some people are just more proactive than others it appears. Now I’m not advocating shooting missionaries no matter their particular faith but when the black tie, pants and bike have become synonymous with obnoxious god peddlers it might be time to rethink your marketing plan.

Perhaps moving to billboards or funding large epic movies or perhaps a Saturday morning cartoon show with Murray the wacky flaming salamander and his adventures with his ole buddy John. I’m not saying I have the answers but somebody in the temple needs to start asking the right questions.

I’ve never been one to make New Years resolutions. I guess I always thought they were for the weak willed. Those that couldn’t make an actual decision or life change simply because it needed to be made and stick with it, could rely on a special day to help make that commitment stick. Well, now that I’m nearing 40 my attitude has been changing on the matter. I used to give a passing “feh!” to new years resolutions, but no longer. With the coming of middle age I’ve decided to embrace the idea this year and came up with a short manageable lists of resolutions that I will follow as we tumble into the future (or oblivion) that is 2006.

Yeah, apparently if what I learned this weekend is true, I as a white male have a genetic need to rape a black woman. This is because my melanin deficient and physically inferior genes cry out for improvement to my seed. The overpowering need to fortify my inferior genetic make up with the superior traits of the black woman drives me and all white men to force ourselves these chocolate earth mothers. This trait was no more clearly seen than in the systemic rape of slave women in the antebellum south.

Furthermore, it seems that not only is my genetic makeup found lacking, I (and I say "I" as the collective of all white men) am apparently an inferior lover. This inability to please my women resulted in driving them into the strapping arms of the closest available ebony lover. Wide reports of the rape of white women at the hands(?) of black men in the years following the civil war were apparently not as they were presented. Instead of these incidences being as reported they were in fact simple alibis to cover the needs of white women. They longed for the touch of a real lover, one that a white man could never supply and were thrown by their needs into the arms of Mandingo.

With the recent passing of Gene Scott it seemed important to take the opportunity to report on who isn't dead. Who better to feature for this announcement than the man himself, Abe Vigoda. Not only is Abe very much alive, today is his birthday. Abe turned 84 today and currently lives in Manhattan. For up to date Vigoda condition reports check out abevigoda.com or if your a firefox user, get the FF extension and have up to the minute information on the status of your favorite actor.

Other people of note that are surprisingly NOT dead are....

Eddie Albert (96)

Lady Bird Johnson (92)

Mickey Spillane (87)

and....

The Pope (84)

*note - we are not responsible for sudden changes to the status of any of those listed above.